There, I said it. Let’s just get it out there and let it breathe… And I’m a liar, because also, I think I’m fat.
Sometimes it feels like I’m SUPPOSED to think I’m fat, because well…all the media & commercials & clothing sizes & stores like to make us feel that way. (Pssssst! They’re trying to SELL us something!) And at the beginning of the year, what with all the talk of resolutions and new beginnings, we get told a LOT that we’re supposed to be some other way than what we are. And then, when I don’t think I’m fat, I feel GUILTY about it. How ridiculous is that?
Honestly, this year I gained a little weight over the holidays. It hasn’t really alarmed me, because I know I’ll lose it in the next few weeks. And it felt good to be a little lazy. But due to said fluff, I had to go shopping recently. Okay, deep breath people, I’m about to be EXTREMELY transparent…
I’m 5’5″ okay, 5′ 4 1/2″. And I currently weigh around 145 pounds. This is how much I weighed when I got married almost 10 years ago. I’d like to stay around 135 – I’ve seen that number on the scale VERY rarely in my life. I’ve weighed a lot more than my current weight and I’ve weighed less. At one point in time I had everything from a size 6 to a size 14 in my closet. At the end of each of my pregnancies, I weighed 201 pounds. At this moment in time, I’m probably a size 8, maybe a 10. At 135, I’m still pretty much a size 8, RARELY a 6.
But my size 6/8/10/12 looks different than yours. We’re all built differently and carry our weight differently. Which brings me to that recent shopping trip. It’s demoralizing, isn’t it? This is how it went…
Get 4 pair of pants, in at least 3 different sizes, all different brands. The largest fits in the hips, not the waist, WAAAAY too long. The smallest fits in the waist, NOT the hips & thighs – still too long. The middle size fits in the nothing, too big in places, too small in places, and still too freaking long. (Am I a hobbit??? What’s going on??) Moving on to tops – some smalls fit, but are too short, some larges are too small (what the ????), mediums – eh… Go hang it all back up on the rack & start again.
I ended up with a pair of size 10 pants that don’t really fit (too small in the hips, fit in the waist) and need to be hemmed. So I’ll get them hemmed and wear them a little snug for the time being. When I lose a few pounds and they fit in the hips, I’ll get them taken in at the waist. Then swear I’ll never gain weight again. I also got a size large top that sort of fits? Eh…and a size 10 jacket that is gorgeous that fits beautifully. I’ll wear it now and be sad when I lose a few pounds and it becomes too big. I’ll keep it to wear again when I gain a few pounds.
How insane is all of that????????????? Daniel texted me a couple of times during the torture to ask if I was having fun, because…don’t girls LOVE shopping? No. No, we really do not. Unless it’s for shoes or jewelry, because those always fit.
I’m not resolving to lose weight. I’m just going to try to head back to my healthier habits – eating, exercising, all other things in moderation. The weight will come off, because it always does. And I still won’t think I’m fat. And I’ll still think I’m fat at the same time. I’ll struggle just as much to find clothes that fit, and be just as confused about what size I wear as I am now.
I think I’ll resolve to be a little more accepting of myself, whatever my size or fluff-level. For me, it should be more about how I feel. And I don’t just mean how I feel about the way I look. I have back issues, and carrying extra weight is actually painful for me. So when I’m sitting on the couch enjoying that gloriously delicious, tangy and salty bag of Lay’s Salt & Vinegar potato chips (and I do mean the entire bag), I’m setting myself up for pain – mental, physical, emotional. I think I should probably stop torturing myself.
I think it’s a bunch of crap that we let a bunch of half-starved-extremely-photoshopped-criticizing-judgemental models and marketers and family and friends and whoevers affect the way we think of ourselves. We’re all guilty of comparing our INSIDES to everyone else’s OUTSIDES. Those people are either being paid to tell us we need to be some other way, trying to get us to spend our money on their product or service, or (and these may be the hardest, the most painful) they may actually mean WELL. They just don’t know how to say it properly.
I hope you don’t think you’re fat. Or some other way than just fine the way you are. As I’ve mentioned before, I love people – all kinds of people. All shapes, sizes, colors, leanings, orientations etc. If you weren’t just the way YOU are, my world would be a little less colorful. And if I weren’t just the way I am, so would yours.
Let’s resolve to color each other’s worlds. And be okay with it.